a beautiful life in pink

(This was the speech I delivered at the Silver Linings 2008, a project of the ICanServe Foundation, which is a homecoming of breast cancer survivors as well as an educational forum. It was held at the Waterfront Hotel in Cebu.

Other speakers in the Stories of Hope Segment were : TingTing Jamero-Caballero, Lara Melissa de Leon-Joseph, and Doris Nuval, with psychologist, Dr. Karen Dela Cruz as Moderator.)

* * * * *
I am Marivic Bugasto, your breast sister from the boondocks of Tuba in Benguet, 15 minutes away from the City of Baguio.

I would like to thank Ms. Kara Alikpala and all the breast sisters in the ICanServe Foundation as well as the organizers of Silver Linings 2008 for the invitation to this event, and more so the opportunity to share my cancer experience which I now call "My Beautiful Life in Pink"!

I was first diagnosed with breast cancer in 2005, and since I knew nothing about the disease, and most everyone I knew or read about who had it, was either dead or dying... I was terrified.

Yes, cancer is a terrifying word that evokes mental pictures of dying, of the grim possibility of leaving loved ones behind, and of dreams and plans that will never be realized.

After the initial shock, I went through the grieving process of denial, anger, and eventual acceptance. I am sure that we will all agree that this is a natural human emotional response.

I allowed myself a bit of healthy denial with the hope that I can move on and accept what I believed then was my death sentence...in my own good time...on my own terms.

It is a loss to be grieved...the loss of one's femininity and sexuality, the loss of a sense of invincibility, and in my case of a bilateral mastectomy, a physical loss of a part of my body.

On hindsight, I am thankful that I did not deny myself to grieve, and moreover, that I did not allow myself to be paralyzed to inaction but sought proper advice regarding treatment and hopeful eradication of this disease as soon as possible.

And so in a span of six months, I underwent a bilateral mastectomy, a total hysterectomy, and so many other procedures were done "to me".

After all was said and done, in the end I lost both breasts and all my "spare parts down under". When I am asked now how it feels? I say, "Eh di bading! Walang suso at walang matris!"

I was alright for sometime. In fact in May 2006, I was declared on remission and during that time tried all I can to "have a life"...To pick myself up and put myself back together again.

However, in December of the same year, the doctors found that the cancer has come back and has metastasized to the bones.

I could not believe this was happening all over again. All I knew was that I felt as if I had just run smack right into the front of a speeding car.

I was ready to throw in the towel.

I even considered not going through any treatments anymore.....I told myself, "after stage IV - no more!"

But my dear friend Mina said, "You do not know how to count! After 4, there is 5,6,7,8,9 then back to zero. . .So as you will now know, I did not give up. I listened to her and indeed she is right because by God's Grace, I am here with you today.

I had another bone scan done last June. Results show "no new lesions"! Yehey! . . . But the one seen in December 2006 has not significantly decreased despite the chemo.

All the same, like I always say, "I may not be physically cured, but I am definitely healed!".

Cancer is not for the faint of heart. You have got to want to live and do whatever is necessary to live to have a chance. It is the hard-nosed belief that you have taken every step you can take and are ready to take others if necessary.

One lesson cancer has taught me, "WHATEVER YOU BELIEVE WILL HAPPEN TO YOU --- PROBABLY WILL".

If you believe you will die - you probably will. But if you believe --- I mean really believe like I do, ---that you will live, you have a good chance of living.

_____

Regardless of some ambivalence I felt about not wanting to be around other people who are "sick", I felt it was important for me to get to know other women going through the same experience. Soon after I was declared in remission, I became part of the cancer advocacy in Baguio, joining Minda's Buddies and eventually becoming President of the support group.

I am also very fortunate to have attended the ICanServe and Avon sponsored Patient Empowerment Seminar at the Astoria where I met many breast sisters for the first time, and there I was made aware of the many inspirational stories of women who had gone on to marry, have children, start new careers, etc. That was a great experience! Not only did I no longer feel that fear of losing myself ... my life, but I learned that plenty of women do get through this experience.

At times when we are presented with challenges in life, we do not always know why they exist. We only feel the fear, the sadness, the pain, and sometimes anger. But as history has shown us time and again, people, especially for us Pinays, have the capacity to rise to great heights when faced with adversity.

And so when I look back to that day at the Astoria when I was first "initiated" into this special sorority, when I go over the pages of the ICanServe book where Kara and so many others wrote about their own valiant struggles, when I read the e-group digest where we share our everyday lives before I retire at night, I cannot but heave a sigh at the courage each and everyone of us has displayed thus far.

Many people upon first thinking of the word courage will think of the big things, the heroic things, the things that make the evening news in Ms. Karen Davila's TV Patrol on ABS-CBN.

But I ask you these. How many times have you thought that you couldn't go on? That you hadn't the strength? That you had reached the end of your rope? Only to look back and see that you had gone on, that you had found the strength? That you were able to pull yourself up that rope?

We are all amazing courageous souls. Just look back at those times from diagnosis, through treatments and up until today, that were so trying we thought they may never end, and see the courage that came from inside of us and sustained us, and even allows us now to help others through.

I am in awe at the courage I have seen in many of our breast sisters. And I make special mention of my survivor role model, Carla Sison. I look up to her for inspiration and hope. (Look at us, we are what Breast Cancer Stage IV looks like.)

And so, one other lesson that cancer has taught me, "IS A NEW AND DEEPER MEANING OF THE WORD COURAGE".

After battling cancer, my definition of courage is the ability to see victory or the ability to see good things happen when things look bad, look their worst, and look like they will never change. It is the ability to conquer fear, to be brave and have that temperament that enables one to stand up in the face of extreme difficulty.
_____

At the time of initial diagnosis, I felt I was being robbed of my years, of my life. Although it may not have seemed at that time, I was blessed! What I did not know was that I was being granted a premature wisdom and perspective on life that many women ten to twenty years my senior, haven't grasped yet.

Cancer has become a relevant term in my life . . . for the rest of it. After it was all over, i.e. the diagnosis, the panic, the grief, the surgery, the treatment, etc. . . I realized that I should not see it as the end, but the beginning of a new journey.

It is a journey that has helped redefine who I am and what I want from life. A journey that has obstacles, but also has high points, and a journey that many others willingly share with me and help me endure. On this journey, I will learn the lessons that some take a lifetime to learn.

Breast cancer is an eye-opening, life-affirming experience. It has changed my life in many ways.

I now look at life in a whole new way, as something I am lucky to be experiencing.

Cancer showed me how it is to live. It was one of the best things that ever happened to me, because it showed me that for the 40+ years I'd been alive, I was not really living - I was just existing!

I think a lot of people are that way. We go through life half asleep.

Before breast cancer, I was a person who was made to obey the rules, stay within the lines. But there's something about looking death in the face that makes you think, "I don't care anymore. What can hurt me? Who can threaten me?'

It has turned me into a person who is much more willing to take risks. It's still a continuing journey but I am much more willing to be who I am.

I now see just how beautiful life really is . . . even with cancer.

Cancer became the loving reminder to better appreciate life and the people I share it with.

I became closer to the people who bring meaning and fulfillment to my life. I got rid of those who don't. Crisis has an amazing way of revealing a person's true character.

I now take time to appreciate the simple things, like the power of a smile, a kind word, even simply waking up to one more day and know that I am loved.

I have come to appreciate everyday, just because it is there and has been given for me to enjoy.

I now consider every waking moment as a fantastic gift. A time I didn't think I would get. There are days I get teary eyed over a beautiful sunrise, specially in our place in Tuba where you can watch the mist disappear as the sun comes up.

Seeing my family grow - especially seeing the grandchildren. I still remember the nights I cried my heart out thinking I may never see these things.

I come from a family that hugs a lot . . . and getting or giving hugs have become a gift of immeasurable worth to me now. I make sure that I express my love and appreciation for the people around me while I can, never taking for granted that i could "do that tomorrow", because tomorrow may never come.

I don't worry much about tomorrow, but live for today. Just savoring today brings a whole new perspective to the adage, "One Day at a Time".

I have also found real meaning in the quote from the movie Kung Fu Panda, "Each day is a gift from God, that is why we call it the 'present'."

I have learned that each and every day is special . . . and every breathe is truly a blessing from our Maker.

And yes, I have become closer to God. I came out of this struggle with a strengthened faith and an unwavering belief and confidence in the power of prayer.

It was while dealing with cancer that I was given the privilege of experiencing the Lord intimately.

The story of my life is one of miraculous deliverance. When I first learned I had cancer, there was this agonizing feeling of fear, regret and shame. I did this to myself. I had this burden of guilt for the various ways I messed up. I thought I was being punished. But with the help of Mercy and my friends in the Sacred Heart Charismatic Community, I came to know of God's love. They told me to give it all to Him...at His feet and be delivered from all the pain and anguish. And I found myself unburdened.

When I came to know the love of God, I understood why these all happened. God's love is tough love, He gives us what we need and not always what we want or what will make us comfortable. God blesses us with troubles so that our faith can be tested and approved. I'm not saying that God never shows us good or satisfying things in life, but more often, the most significant things He does for us arise out of our troubles. To understand His love, we must see the redemptive value of the trials that come our way.

In this world, things often must get worse before they get better.

And so I guess the most important lesson cancer taught me is, 'NO MATTER HOW GRAVE OR HOW MONUMENTAL THE ADVERSITY, WE MUST SEE OR LOOK AT THE BIGGER PICTURE".

You can take almost any situation and turn it into something good if you're willing to trust, if you're willing to be open to the good.
_____

Who would ever imagine that something good would come out of being told you have cancer?

I must say that in many ways, my cancer was my greatest blessing. Not that I want to go through everything all over again. But during this time in my life, I found out many things that otherwise I would never have known.

I learned "to live by faith, not by sight".

I learned that when I am at my weakest, I am also at my strongest.

I learned to not take things for granted, even realizing what a blessing it is to have to get up and prepare breakfast.

I found that my family and friends loved me more than I ever thought possible.

But most importantly, I learned that "God does provide a way!"

He allowed cancer to enter my life, and then He took that and made me a better person.

So now, I am a cancer survivor. Sometimes, I forget that, and sometimes I want to forget. For to remember is also to remember my "survivor's guilt". Why did I survive and someone I knew who had better prognosis did not? I survived and am now enjoying the love and company of my children and grandchildren, but a friend left behind her three year old child who needs her. Another friend died at 27, she was so full of life and had so many dreams for the future, I am 50 and in retrospect had quite a fulfilled life though not perfect. Why did I survive? Only God knows!

Do I live in fear that the cancer may catch up with me? Honestly, I think about it and I used to worry. But I realized why worry? I could die in a car accident today, or some other way. There are other things I should be concerned about and worrying will be like walking or running on the treadmill, it gets you nowhere.

I know that if the cancer should get worst, God will give me whatever I will need to cope and deal with it. "His Grace is sufficient for me!" ...I know that no matter what I face, He is in control and that everything will work out for my ultimate good and His glory.

I continue to move on.

Doing the breast cancer advocacy despite the many challenges that go with the territory, has become the greatest form of therapy.

I have made the necessary changes in my life, and try to do more with all the gifts God has given me.

And so in ending, I quote the famous writer and humorist Erma Bombeck: "When I stand before God at the end of my life, I hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say, 'I used everything You gave me.' "

And maybe, just maybe ...I will hear Him say, "Well done My child, well done!"

Thank you and God Bless Us All!